Don't Facebook...Facebank!!

If you have a little niece or nephew that you want to teach the value of saving but yet also want to creep out this holiday season, just skip the cute little piggy bank.  Go for the Facebank instead.  This "piggy" bank has a somewhat too-realistic creepy face that gobbles up your coins to save for a rainy day.  This could have only come from Japan.  Check it out:

Now only if it burped after swallowing your coin whole...

Ashton and Tiger Confirmed to Have Rabies???

That's right...sexual overdrive can be a sign that one has rabies.  Who knew? But our two favorite playboys most certainly are afflicted, especially convincing after a 28 year old woman in India went to her physician with a complaint of turning into a raging, rabid (sorry) nympho.  She apparently had a sudden and persistent increase in her sex drive.  Often, despite a lack of stimulation at all, she would constantly feel aroused. Wait...that's a bad thing? I am certain her significant other was saying, "Oh honey, stop being a hypochondriac...you don't need a doctor!".


So THAT must mean...

Cute puppy. With the deathly bite. 

+

The unquestionably unsexual Gilbert Gottfried

=

Hypersexed Ashton

????

I'm baaaaaaack

No good excuses for the long hiatus.  But here we go again with some ridiculousness that must be shared in a public forum.

No girlfriend? No wife? No callbacks on the booty-texts?  No worries.  Because the girlfriend pillow is here.

 Cantaloupe-sized implants included at no extra charge.

On sale now, prices slashed to $14.95 at www.deluxecomfort.com!!

And ladies (at least ladies who are seeking masculinely-dressed pillows), feeling left out? Not to worry! The boyfriend pillow was made just for you: 

You can even prop it up in front of the TV on Sundays and it will watch football silently, unmoving, for hours and hours on end!  Just like the real thing!

Somehow, the boyfriend pillow costs twice as much as the girlfriend pillow....

GILF???

It looks like there's hope for, ahem, mature ladies after all in the sex symbol category.  Sophia Loren aside, typically grandmas don't make guys' tongues wag.  But this is all set to change.  Props to the Oakland Raiders for bringing grandmas to the sideline.  Yes, Susie Sanchez is one of their newest Raiderettes and indeed she is a grandmother.  

At 37, she is a young grandmother, but a gran nevertheless.  Despite the maternalesque title, she isn't the oldest NFL cheerleader. That honor goes to the Bengals' Laura Vikmanis, at the ripe old age of 42.  

You know what this means...I have only 5 years to lose 20 pounds, have some ribs removed, have butt & boobs put in and attain some professional dance skills.  I know, I know, there won't be time for grandkids (though kids are getting pregnant even younger these days...hm....), but NFL, here I come!

World Peace, comma, Metta

I predict Ron Artest will be the second most entertaining NBA player after Shaq - and I mean off the court.  Perhaps since Shaq has announced his retirement, Artest may have assumed the official role of court jester.

The latest?  Another celebrity/professional athlete name change: "Metta World Peace".  What.  "World Peace" for its obvious implications - perhaps manifesting change through your name.  And "Metta" means loving kindness and compassion in Buddhism.  Or, alternately, it may mean "I especially want to thank my psychiatrist."  It's open to interpretation.

And I'd personally like to know if "World" is the middle name or if he has jumped on the Two Word No Hyphen bandwagon.  My other suggestion is to kill two birds with one stone and go with "Whirled Peace" instead - expressing your wish for all in the world to get along as well as your love for the creamy, swirly, caramel vanilla ice cream created by frozen treat gurus Ben and his pal Jerry.

I kind of like this idea of having your name reflect something you want to achieve or the world to achieve.  In fact, I might change my name to "Unlimited Shoe Budget" or "Free Wi-Fi Everywhere".  Although the latter wouldn't work because there is a hyphen - can't have that.

There's a contest for everything.

Presenting Yoda, winner of the World's Ugliest Dog Contest 2011:

Surprisingly, he was initially mistaken for a rat.  

Yes, there IS a World's Ugliest Dog Contest, and it is held in Sonoma County, CA every year.  Yoda (I cannot see where they came up with that name) is 2 pounds and 14 years old - which in human, er....Jedi, years makes him, well, about the real Yoda's age.

I know, I know, TWNH is looking a lot like Animal Planet lately.  It's just that on occasion, animals are a bit more interesting than people.  Especially Anthony Weiner.

Beyond. Wrong.

All I can say is, "freaky-ass Chinese dog-manipulators". And I'm not talking about the Chinese people (ting tong ling long) that Alexandra Wallace refers to (Go Bruins), I'm talking about the dog-dyeing ones in dig-hole-hole-deep-enough-and-you-will-end-up-here China. Don't get me wrong, I like my peeps.  I am one of my peeps in fact (imagine that...huh?). But I just think this behavior is just a leeeeetle OTT (over the top).  And I'm totally sure these dyes are not harmful to the dog, just like Chinese milk is safe for kids.

His Chinese name translates as "Tony the Tiger".

Not helpful that poodles are already frightening to start with.

One way to make it seem that pandas are no longer endangered.

Internet criminals strike again!

If you read about how Nigerian craigslist scammers tried to rent my house out, this is part deux.  Now I'm the potential dupe-ee, as I respond to a craigslist ad for a house for rent in Portland.  This time, I had my revenge.  Sort of.

My inquiry about the rental home:

Subject: $1300 / 3br - Detached single family home (Portland OR) To: larryrruecker@yahoo.com Cc: " Nancy" Date: Friday, June 10, 2011, 12:43 PM Hi, My husband and I are looking for a rental home in the close-in area for August (1st or 15th; 1 year lease) and would love to see your rental property.  We are relocating from the East Coast and are flying in July 5-9 to house-hunt.  Is there any way we could set up an appointment to see the home while we are in town?  We will be starting our practices at Providence St. Vincent and Providence Portland and are hoping to find a home in between the two hospitals.  We've been responsible homeowners for the past 6 years and we are hoping to find a home we can treat like our own while we search the market to buy after the first year in Portland.   Thanks so much for your time, Nancy

Their canned reply:

On Jun 10, 2011, at 5:24 PM, Larry r Ruecker <larryrruecker@yahoo.com> wrote:

Hello, We are pleased that you have an interest in our house, Our lovely home is still available for lease and we want responsible adults/family who are neat and also believe that they have what it takes to take care of our house as if it were theirs. My wife and I initially had it up for sale but had a change of mind in leasing it out ourselves because the agent that was in charge of our rental property was asking too much of an agent fee and also making it difficult for people who cannot afford the rent, stay away from renting my house. The reason why our house is up for lease is because I got transferred from my place of work to Boston MA, I will be away with my family for at least 4 to 5 years because of the love I have for them, I have decided not to sell our house and also assuring them that we only have few years to spend here and will be willing to lease it out to person/family who is willing to assure us of taking absolute care of our home and pay their rent on time. I will start by telling you more in regards me and my family. I have a daughter named Leslie (20yrs) who attends University of Massachusetts as a medical student, she has a lot going for her and she is also down to earth in all that she does to keep us happy and when she is back home on vacation, she also assist her mom in the house work when am at work. I work as a Robotic Programmer & Welder/Fitter here in Massachusetts and got married to a lovely wife who is a member of Joyce Meyer Ministries . We will be very pleased if we can find the right tenant to rent our home, a person who is a clean freak and does not tolerate anything that has to do with dirt... we also would like to know more about you and your family, your renting experience and how long and when you plan moving into our home. These 3 bedrooms and 2 baths home are very specious and neat. 1,795 sqft Below is the rental property address: 6315 Southeast 23rd Avenue, Portland OR 97202 Pets allowed: Yes Rent:1300 Deposit:1000 The rental fee is inclusive with utilities and my home available as at this moment. Remain Blessed, Mr. & Mrs. Larry R Ruecker

I'm so glad Larry is so trusting as to give out their daughter's full name and collegiate whereabouts - even which part of the university she attends (the med school). Perfect stalker fodder.

My response:


From: Nancy 
Subject: Re: $1300 / 3br - Detached single family home (Portland OR)
To: "Larry r Ruecker" <larryrruecker@yahoo.com>
Date: Friday, June 10, 2011, 3:31 PM

Thanks for your email and I'm very interested in your house. Where would I send the deposit? Just hope it's okay, I am an animal enthusiast and despite having two boas (they like to roam the house), 2 housecats and 4 inside-outside dogs, I'm a neat freak like you are hoping for. I also work on clay pottery and hope to use one bedroom as my studio. I did ministry work too and am happy to see your wife is involved. I do run a small pharmaceutical business on the side for extra money and I have had success doing this out of my home so far. While I won't alter your windows, I will at times need to cover them up with tin foil. I'll use non-marking tape so there is no tape residue after I take it down. 

Thanks, hope to hear from you. 

Another canned reply:

Hello Nancy, We are very pleased that you wrote us regarding our home at 6315 Southeast 23rd Avenue, Portland OR 97202; I also had other people writing me requesting that they rent my property less than a year which I do not support. I want anyone renting my house to at least rent for a year or more. We have also made it known to anyone renting our home that our motives are making sure that the house is kept clean and neat. Utilities include Electricity, water, gas while appliances includes refrigerator, Stove, microwave, dishwasher, Washer/Dryer, Garbage etc.... I initially wrote you that we had plans of selling our house but had a change in mind to lease it out since we will not be staying more than 5 years. I really know that God has lead me to a wonderful person like you, as we are planning on selling our home initially thinking that no one can take care of our home when we are gone but with the help of my wife, we are able to think properly before selling our home and have found out that renting it will be the best option for us as we plan on coming back to our lovely home. You have also said a lot that pleases us and we have also seen how wonderful you can be when you move into our home. My concerns has been solved by you and we believe that all you said should be done the right way in ensuring that we trust you of becoming our tenant. We also plan on making our tenant family friends when they move in. If all arrangement goes well, we will have the entrance keys and other relevant document in a hard copy paper shipped to your present home address for you to move in at your convenient date. Our home is beautiful and need no amendments. All you have to do is bring in your belongings and maintain the utilities for us. We also have Internet cable in our home as we speak, and will like you to take absolute care of our house when you move in. As soon as you get back to me I will be attaching a rental application form for you to fill and get back to us with your information so that we can know you better. Remain Blessed, Mr. Larry & Family

I'm glad Larry is so understanding of my illicit drug business and my 10 foot massive housesnakes.  Landlords and I don't always see eye to eye on this sort of stuff.  God bless these people.

How to levitate

Natsumi Hayashi is one badass little Japanese photographer.  Okay, perhaps "badass" is a little strong, but she is at the very least clever.  Her recent series of gone-viral photographs show her apparently levitating in various settings - waiting for a train, at the edge of a bridge, in restaurants with a plate of food...  She often takes the photos herself with the camera on timer or will recruit a friend to snap shots.  It can take hundreds of "jumps" to get the shot just right - which is maybe easier if you are small and Japanese.  She also places herself in the air in precarious positions and I'm sure she has landed on her face on more than one occasion.  Nevertheless, this girl's got some mad hops.

Check out some of these cool photos.  I might just have to order a few prints.

Check out Natsumi's blog for more. 

Is that your...Weiner...or are you just happy to see me

Anyone else find it ironic that a man named Weiner to a photo of his, uh, weiner and sent it to a college chick?  And are we surprised it was a politician...again???

"Mmmmm....mum's the word. Okay, just kidding. It really was me."

Nice work, Rep. Anthony Weiner.  You've almost one-upped Rep. Chris Lee on this one.  Had you actually flexed in your photo, you might have.  Kudos for chest-shaving though.

Why is a Nigerian trying to rent my house out for me?

When your house is on the market, it's not unusual to have random looky-loos drive by to check out your house.  But when your house has SOLD, the random looky-loos start getting suspicious.  Then when one stops and starts asking about the craigslist ad to rent your house for less than half of what it should rent for - not that is was EVER for rent, mind you - questions start popping into your head.

Apparently, a ring of Nigerian online scamming masterminds have targeted MY house in little ol' Richmond, Virginia.  We checked craigslist and lo and behold, interior and exterior photos of my house...for rent!  At TJ Maxx prices.  Interestingly, these dudes crafted an email with my name included in it to reply to on craigslist.

When you send them an email expressing interest, this is the reply:

Hello,
Thanks for your interest and inquiries about my house.Yes the house is still available for rent and we are looking for a responsible person/family to occupy and maintain the house now that we are not around.

Myself and wife just traveled to UK for a program called Empowering Youth to Fight Racism, HIV/AIDS, Poverty and Lack of Education, the program is taking place in three major countries in Europe which are UK , Spain and Italy. We will be away for 4 to 5 years or more that is why I have made up my mind to put up my house for rent to 5whom ever that will take good care of it.Also how long do you intend to stay? How soon do you intend to move in?


I did a little homework online and discovered the rampant scamming that is taking place on craigslist.  These asswipes find homes listed on MLS, post them as rentals, ask the gullible to drive by and assess the exterior of the house, then WIRE TO A FOREIGN ACCOUNT a deposit and first/last month's rent.  Really?


So what did I do? Reported them to an online internet scam database, reported them to craigslist, had the ad removed and wrote these guys a threatening email:  


You have been reported to the Internet Crime and Complaint Center. You are also being reported to the FTC, as well as local Richmond authorities. This is MY house you are trying to rent as a scam.  Cease posting fraudulent ads to rent property that is NOT YOURS TO RENT.  You will be pursued, apprehended and punished accordingly for these crimes.  


And the response?  


Thanks for your interest and inquiries about my house.Yes the house is still available for rent and we are looking for a responsible person/family to occupy and maintain the house now that we are not around.

Myself and wife just traveled to Nigeria for a program called Empowering Youth to Fight Racism, HIV/AIDS, Poverty and Lack of Education, the program is taking place in three major countries in Europe and Africa which are Spain,Greece and Nigeria.

We will be away for 2 to 3 years or more that is why I have made up my mind to put up my house for rent to whom ever that will take good care of it.Also how long do you intend to stay? How soon do you intend to move in?


Sigh.


After all the mental and emotional working-up I went through to draft that email, all I get is a generic auto-reply.  Great.  Fortunately, for those of us who get really angry and wish to exact revenge on these criminals, there apparently are support groups online.  A group of unpaid volunteers, loosely bound together by a hatred for craigslist scammers, have united to send mock replies to the scammers.  Obviously, as made apparent by the auto-reply I got, this reverse-harassment really doesn't help catch any net-criminals.  But what it could do, is waste their time - and maybe get you a chuckle out of it.  According to the "support group" or band of renegade internet vigilantes, getting a death threat is the ultimate reward - as it tells you that you've annoyed the shit out of some internet scammer.  People on this crusade even go so far as to set up faux email accounts so they themselves are untraceable by the scammers.  I guess if you can't catch 'em, then just bug the living daylights out of them.  


Sign me up.  

Rapture really DID happen

Okay, all you Rapture-haters out there.  Here is the proof.  It did happen.  To a select few.  It's just that you and I sin a leeeeettle bit too much and have not been selected in this first round heaven draft (don't despair - there's always the walk-on spot).  For those living under a rock, Family Radio preacher Harold Camping has been predicting that 200 million believers would be sucked up in a mass-vacuum to heaven - and that day was to be May 21, 2011.  The rest of us heathens would be rocked in a massive earthquake then would suffer 5 months of tribulation before the end of the world.  

Some of the more virtuous did go "poof" up to heaven yesterday, and the photos below are indisputable.

Obviously, this was a very bad, bad, bad dog (that didn't deserve to go to heaven)

That must have been decaf

In my opinion, anyone who is so bold as to wear denim not only on the bottom but on top as well deserves entry

I sure hope these two weren't living in sin

Though an internationally-acclaimed photojournalist, I can't take credit for those photos above.  However, I did happen to be at a cocktail party full of surgeons, and witnessed their ascent to the afterlife firsthand.  And whipped out my iPhone just in time to catch this shot:

Okay, okay, you got me...I was just doing my laundry

Obamaville, Ireland?

Moneygall, a, um, medium-sized city in Ireland (population 298 - that's two hundred ninety eight, not two hundred ninety eight thousand) has turned into a carnival of sorts in preparation for Barack Obama's visit.  Barack's great great great great grandfather was born here. Since the announcement of President Obama's tour of Moneygall, the town has been busy making itself more Obama-friendly.  Some of the transformations this town has undergone:

1. Renamed the town newspaper "The Offaly Independent" to "The Obama Independent"

2. Broke ground on Barack Obama Plaza in the center of this one-block town

3. Grand opening of Barack Obama Cafe

4. Added a Barack Obama exit off the highway, so that you don't miss this little hamlet

5. Selling Obama Brown Bread - hey...is that a little racist???  More accurate would be, say, swirled pumpernickel perhaps?

6. Souvenier shops have sprung up, selling not only Obama clocks, magnets, lighters but t-shirts too.  My prediction for top-selling tee? "O'bama IS Feidir Linn" (translation: "Yes We Can")  

7. My favorite part? Guinness headquarters has sent a master beer-pouring expert to Ollie Hayes' Moneygall pub, where Barack Obama is expected to sip the brown brew (hmmm...another racial reference) - perhaps while reminiscing with townfolk about his distant (1/32nds relation) ancestor Fulmouth Kearney.  The pint of Guinness to be had by Mr. President has become known as "the most famous pint in Irish history"

The decor at Ollie's includes a bronze bust of Obama and lovely portraits of him on the walls.

How to blend in inconspicuously when vacationing

NOT!!!

People.  When you travel, take careful consideration of your vacay wardrobe.  What is the image you want to project? What statement are you trying to make with your outfit?  And do you really need to match your partner/wife/travel companion head to toe?

I wish I could have caught his ladyfriend in the photo too - but she was quick like a ninja.  She was in...you guessed it, grey/yellow sneakers, white clamdiggers, green polo and a hat.  Oh - and a brown she-version of the man-satchel.

At least this farmer's tan will just involve the arms.  Thank god for knee high dress socks.   And who knew the butt crack was such a handy place to tuck things you don't want to hold, like your fisherman's hat?  Ultimate hands-free.  It's like Snooki's bosom, but in reverse. 

How did this man find a cap that matched his carnation-hued pants so perfectly?  He rules.

I really need to invent something to conceal my iPhone better for these stealth pictures...like a secret cutout in my Us Magazine.  Keep your eyes peeled in a future post.  Heading into the laboratory right now...

Dog...er...on a rope?

German Shepherd Stringing Christmas Lights?  Bungee-Jumping Canines?

When I pictured the Special Forces storming Bin Laden's super secret hiding place in Pakistan, I never imagined seeing dogs dangling from a rope as part of the image.  But alas - here it is.  These dogs not only dangle from helicopters, they have oxygen masks for the 25,000-foot descent, ballistic body armour, protective gear that shields them from shrapnel and gunfire and infrared night-sight cameras mounted on their heads.  Talk about Pimp My Dog (Xhibit? Where art thou?).  Somehow I think the dog beds featured in the guest post on smallshop.com are just a leeetle too frou-frou for these killers.  What I'd like to see next is a German Shephard in white camo snowboarding down the Alps with a machine gun strapped to its head, a la James Bond.  Now that I'd pay to see.

Read more about these pups on The Sun.

If you rock some serious style, so should your pup...

TWNH had the honor of being design maven smallshop's guest blogger extraordinaire for a day.  Some people might say, noooooo, TWNH, you are too goofy, too crass, too whatever to be a guest blogger.  And those people are right.  However, I snuck a roofie into smallshop chief bloggo's martini (served up in way-cooler-than-you vintage martini glasses, of course) and somehow convinced her to let me infiltrate smallshop for a day.

Check it out here.  Enjoy your dose of canine chic for the day!

Closet Genius

And by that I mean a genius that designs brilliant closets, not that really smart but cute girl that plays dumb so she doesn't tear down the ego of lesser mentally-abled boys.  Whoever designed this closet at Hyatt at the Blue (Doral, Florida) belongs in the inventor's hall of fame along with the creator of Post-it notes, wings on a maxi and heated eyelash curlers.  

The exterior is sleek and modern, in a tall, deep chocolate brown (sounds like I'm describing a pint of Guinness, I know):

But wait...there's more!  The absolutely brilliant use of vertical space just blows me away.

You may not be able to tell, but in order to reach this without a step stool or stepping on a buddy's back while he is on all fours, you'd have to be seven feet tall.

So how do you get to your fancy duds?  Witness the magic:

Just pull down on the handle!

Yes!!!!  I was transported to a wonderful, wonderful place when I opened my closet doors and feasted my eyes on this contraption.  Being both an addict to fashion and a slave to gadgety things, you can imagine the salivation occurring as I pondered the sheer volume of clothing I could store in this thing.  

And you don't have to permanently stay in a Hyatt to have one of these (although given my love of hotels, I wouldn't mind).  I found these on www.organizeit.com!  Happy days.

Go Green or Go Home

Hummus is one of those foods that can have an infinite number of variations - garlic hummus, sun-dried tomato hummus, horseradish hummus.  But what happens when you substitute the usual chickpea with...edamame (soybeans! yes, soybeans!)?  Yummy green goodness.  Edamame has just about the same texture as chickpeas so it's perfect.

Stuff that you mix together (aka Ingredients):
-- 16 oz bag of shelled edamame
-- 1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil, the more virginal the better
-- 1 Tbsp tahini (Mediterranean sesame paste, available at Middle Eastern markets or Whole Foods)
-- 2 cloves of garlic
-- 2 cups lowfat Greek yogurt
-- 1 oz tiger blood (Ok, just kidding.  It's not like it's commercially available anyway.  Charlie Sheen has a lockdown on the supply chain.)

1.  Start with a 16 oz bag of shelled edamame. Boil according to directions.  Strain when cooked, set aside.

2.  While the edamame is boiling, place the tahini in a bowl.  I know, it looks like goose diarrhea.  Disregard the appearance - trust me - it adds great nutty flavor to the hummus.  Add water a few teaspoonfuls at a time and mix/mash with the back of a spoon until you get a runny consistency.  

3.  Smash some garlic with the side of a big knife.  Get rid of the skins.  Duh.

4.  Place the edamame in a BAB (big ass bowl), add garlic, tahini, salt, pepper, olive oil and yogurt.

5.  And with THE best invention for lazy cooks like myself, the hand blender (by Cuisinart), blend ingredients to a smooth baby-poo-like consistency.

6.  And the finished product...bon appetit!  Serve chilled or at room temp.  I like adding a little extra cracked pepper and a drizzle of olive oil over top when serving.  Excellent on pita, chips, crackers or as a dip for fresh veggies.  Nice spread for paninis too.  

Writer's block.

Back when I was in college...

A new online dating service, eduHookups.com,  promises casual hookups for college students.

What happened to the good old days, when you had to hike ten miles in the snow (at UCLA), up a hill (Bruin Walk), swim across a creek (South Campus' Toilet Bowl fountain), and attend a frat party (Sigma Nu) to hook up with someone you barely know?  Now you don't even need to leave the comfort of your 10x10 concrete cell dorm room now to close the deal on a booty call.  Kids these days...they have it all too easy.  Easy being the operative word.

Alas, it's a good thing someone thought this up, because this, ahem, non-traditional college student really needs to get some action:

95 year-old Nola Ochs, University of Oklahoma, uh, Senior

May we say a prayer in remembrance of the favorite frat boy fishbowl pickup line ("Hey, wanna come upstairs and see my fishbowl?")?  Amen.

Serial Killers Need Love Too

With a profile pic like this, I think it'd be hard to get dates on the internet.

Fortunately, most dating sites allow you to write a little bit about yourself to entice the ladies.  This Reddit user posted his pic along with the quote, "I uploaded my photo to a dating site. So far, no hits. :("
Sad face, indeed.  Sad serial killer face! Reddit has been credited with launching some of the best internet memes and this one is pretty hilarious - with plenty of great spin-offs.  Quickmeme has created posters of this sad lad's mug along with witty and enticing captions.  Witness some of these below:

And on this site, you can even come up with your own captions for this captivating photo.  I gave it a whirl myself: