Cardio-Paint

TWNH predicts the newest fitness rage: Cardio-Paint.  Discovered while painting my living room, this burns at least 10.7 calories per square foot painted.  Why am I painting, you ask?  Well it has finally come time to put "Sober Valley Lodge" on the market (the original SVL, so BRING IT, Charlie) and as far as wall colors go, apparently orange is NOT the new beige.  Damn you, 2005 April issue of Domino Magazine.  No wonder you went out of print.

So how exactly do you burn off that Fatburger you ate for lunch?  Four easy circuits while getting your paint on:

Circuit One: Resistance Training
     Nothing burns calories while you're sitting on your tushie watching Idol better than a revved-up metabolism.  And building muscle mass helps you get the metabolism of a hummingbird.  And to do this...curl a can of "Whispering Wheat" until your arms feel like jello.  Or jello shots, whatever's your flavor.

Can someone call a plumber? Cuz these pipes are bursting. 

Circuit Two: Advanced Power Step(stool) Class
     Use the first step if you're a beginner Cardio-painter, like I am.  I hope to move up to the second step by bikini season.

Warning: Dankso clogs do NOT provide good lateral support. Trust me, my clumsy ass knows.

Circuit three: The Roller Lunge
      Twenty lunges and a well-saturated but not dripping paint roller gets the paint on evenly and gets your quads a-burnin'.

Sign up for a block of 10 Cardio-paint classes and get this painter's cap free! Does double duty keeping your bangs out of your eyes and out of open surgical wounds in the operating room.  Bonus!!!

Circuit Four: Painter's Leap
     For a real challenge, forgo the step stool.  Who needs a stinkin' step stool!?  Real Cardio-painters JUMP to reach those high spots.  Remember to land square (cuz you'll need your knee ligaments for your next class, Endurance-Floor-Sanding) and keep your roller in contact in the wall.  Nobody likes a splotchy paint job.

The squat...

...The leap! 

Happy fat-burning, my painterly friends!

Fine print: 

- Hat and pants sponsored by St. Mary's Hospital

- For entertainment only.  Get out of denial like I am and go to a real gym.