"Hey lady, I really like the shoes...that are glued to your fingernails"

I was on the Metro in DC today and discovered a disturbing trend in manicures.  No, it wasn't that male friend of mine at the mani-pedi place last week...he doesn't like to go on weekends (too crowded, not enough personal attention).   Apparently crazy colors and designs - for example, 10 miniature airbrushed portraits of Young Jeezy on your fingernails - just isn't enough anymore.

You gotta go 3D or go home, baby.  This chick, facing me on the Metro, actually had munchkin-sized sparkly stiletto heels attached to her already wildly painted nails. They would fit my friend Shelby's feet.  I tried SO HARD to non-chalantly snap an iPhone photo of her nails, but it was all blurry and I was scared since she looked like she could seriously jack me up.  So I had to resort to finding internet photos of this in-your-face (pun intended) nail art.  As you'll see in the menagerie of fingernail Picassos below, there is usually a common theme between the left 5 fingers and the right 5 fingers.  Not so much on our Metro lady...it was like a buffet of nail designs - and not just your standard Chinese buffet - it like was Indian buffet + all-you-can-eat sushi + Souplantation all under one roof.  Couldn't you just have picked one theme?  Apparently, no.

For an extra $5, you can have Jenny McCarthy painted on your nail. 

This is what we like to call the "Wedding Day Special"

What happens when you forget and pick your nose? It'd be like getting a peanut stuck up your nose.  Better have your Ear, Nose and Throat doctor on speed dial (paging Dr. Schmidt...).

And for the  age 11-and-under set...or, if you're Mariah Carey and can pull off the over-40-but-still-likes-cutesy-bunnies-and-butterflies schtick.

Amazingly, this also works for nasty, FUBAR-ed feet too (before and after photos):

BEFORE: Got fungus? 

AFTER: Be ashamed no more!!!

What to wear when skiing in West Virginia

Worried about fitting in with the locals? Never worry again!  With The beardski, you will fit right in.

To make it truly authentic, throw in some WV colloquialisms, such as:
- "far", i.e.  Damn, gramps threw some extra wood in and now it's a real big far!
- "winder", i.e. Momma caught Billy Joe with the goat again! Poor goat was so startled he jumped right out the winder!
- "holler", i.e. That Winston boy is so dense, the wind blows through his ears like his head is holler.

Thanks to The Blind Pig and the Acorn for the references.

You know who you are.

Top Ten Captions for this Priceless Photo:

10) "Oooh hoo hoo! Ooooh! That tickles!"

9) Taking advantage of the January MANicure-pedicure special.

8) "How much extra for the happy ending?"

7) "Do you think that shade goes with my dark blue scrubs?"

6) There are some large hands to go with these large feet. Hmmm...

5)  Discovered! Toe jam the size of Paris Hilton's chihuahua.

4)  There's a reason mani-pedi lady is wearing gloves.

3)  "Oh - hey Neff, uh, how's it goin'? You, uh, wanna go watch some football after?"

2)  If you have an Asian fetish, a nail salon is the perfect place to meet some Asians.

1)  Hairy is the new black, ladies.

Suck it, Paula Deen!

Okay, I'm pissed.  Who the hell would recommend a cup (A CUP!!!) of salt for a collard green recipe?  I googled a recipe (and here - case in point - is why I hate recipes) by the PD, Queen of the South herself, and my resultant collard greens tasted like, well, you guessed it, ass.  Ok, maybe not ass (that's raw cauliflower, if you recall), but definitely like taking a handful of mud from the Dead Sea and chewing on that for about an hour.  Seriously inedible.  Overrated.  Paula Deen can kiss my ass.  Oh, and BTW, this is where I need to apologize for my non-French-speaking friends (Heather? Marci?), i.e. those who never say "pardon my French" before making a statement.  Sorry, I can't help it.  Don't unfriend me please.

I've found that the MUCH better "guideline" (as I prefer to call it) comes from Guy Fieri  As always, I have to doctor it up, and not just cuz imma doctor - I added a little brown sugar, a few cloves of chopped garlic when sauteeing the onions (never can have enough garlic, I like to say), and I like pancetta (Richmonders: two words - Belmont Butchery) instead of bacon or salted ham, just cuz.

Oh - and I also like apple cider vinegar better than plain old white vinegar. Mostly because it reminds me of Martinelli's Apple Cider at New Year's Eve when I was a little kid...but I digress. And the pancetta should be added to the mixture to simmer for a while - not at the end - so the collards get some good piggy flavor at the end.

I also like to finish off nearly all dishes with my favorite fixin', Sriracha, which you can buy in packs of 6 on Amazon if you are not so blessed as to live within driving distance of a 99 Ranch Market (helloooo! Asian Heaven!!).

End result below:

And if anyone has a favorite grandma's greens recipe, bring it on, cuz I'm just a temporary Southerner, fakin' it.  Everyone knows I'm Southern...Californian!!!