Ashton and Tiger Confirmed to Have Rabies???

That's right...sexual overdrive can be a sign that one has rabies.  Who knew? But our two favorite playboys most certainly are afflicted, especially convincing after a 28 year old woman in India went to her physician with a complaint of turning into a raging, rabid (sorry) nympho.  She apparently had a sudden and persistent increase in her sex drive.  Often, despite a lack of stimulation at all, she would constantly feel aroused. Wait...that's a bad thing? I am certain her significant other was saying, "Oh honey, stop being a hypochondriac...you don't need a doctor!".


So THAT must mean...

Cute puppy. With the deathly bite. 

+

The unquestionably unsexual Gilbert Gottfried

=

Hypersexed Ashton

????

I'm baaaaaaack

No good excuses for the long hiatus.  But here we go again with some ridiculousness that must be shared in a public forum.

No girlfriend? No wife? No callbacks on the booty-texts?  No worries.  Because the girlfriend pillow is here.

 Cantaloupe-sized implants included at no extra charge.

On sale now, prices slashed to $14.95 at www.deluxecomfort.com!!

And ladies (at least ladies who are seeking masculinely-dressed pillows), feeling left out? Not to worry! The boyfriend pillow was made just for you: 

You can even prop it up in front of the TV on Sundays and it will watch football silently, unmoving, for hours and hours on end!  Just like the real thing!

Somehow, the boyfriend pillow costs twice as much as the girlfriend pillow....

GILF???

It looks like there's hope for, ahem, mature ladies after all in the sex symbol category.  Sophia Loren aside, typically grandmas don't make guys' tongues wag.  But this is all set to change.  Props to the Oakland Raiders for bringing grandmas to the sideline.  Yes, Susie Sanchez is one of their newest Raiderettes and indeed she is a grandmother.  

At 37, she is a young grandmother, but a gran nevertheless.  Despite the maternalesque title, she isn't the oldest NFL cheerleader. That honor goes to the Bengals' Laura Vikmanis, at the ripe old age of 42.  

You know what this means...I have only 5 years to lose 20 pounds, have some ribs removed, have butt & boobs put in and attain some professional dance skills.  I know, I know, there won't be time for grandkids (though kids are getting pregnant even younger these days...hm....), but NFL, here I come!

World Peace, comma, Metta

I predict Ron Artest will be the second most entertaining NBA player after Shaq - and I mean off the court.  Perhaps since Shaq has announced his retirement, Artest may have assumed the official role of court jester.

The latest?  Another celebrity/professional athlete name change: "Metta World Peace".  What.  "World Peace" for its obvious implications - perhaps manifesting change through your name.  And "Metta" means loving kindness and compassion in Buddhism.  Or, alternately, it may mean "I especially want to thank my psychiatrist."  It's open to interpretation.

And I'd personally like to know if "World" is the middle name or if he has jumped on the Two Word No Hyphen bandwagon.  My other suggestion is to kill two birds with one stone and go with "Whirled Peace" instead - expressing your wish for all in the world to get along as well as your love for the creamy, swirly, caramel vanilla ice cream created by frozen treat gurus Ben and his pal Jerry.

I kind of like this idea of having your name reflect something you want to achieve or the world to achieve.  In fact, I might change my name to "Unlimited Shoe Budget" or "Free Wi-Fi Everywhere".  Although the latter wouldn't work because there is a hyphen - can't have that.